Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
