I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
