I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
