if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
