Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
