she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
