just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
