I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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