I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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