so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
