Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
