Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize