you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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