all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
