Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i've created a new STD.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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