Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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