So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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