oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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