At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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