i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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