I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Can you bring me the toilet please
sex in a hospital.. check
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
