Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
