Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
