broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
