I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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