Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
