I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
