There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
