you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
