how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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