i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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