you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
