you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
