Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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