She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
