Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
