hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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