Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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