I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize