so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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