FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You made out with two different species that night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
