dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
