My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
