he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
