Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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