Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We left the knife in your bed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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