what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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