Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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