I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
