You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
