If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
