I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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