i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
