I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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