She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
