I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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