2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
