It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
