Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
