I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
