How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
